Sunday Coupon Rant

The Grill Geek always knows it's time for me to blog when he hears "That's retarded!" or something similar on a Sunday morning.
Yes, I always go straight for the ads and coupons, digging them out of the thick stack of newspaper. I sort through first... building the ranty anticipation. How many packets of coupons will I get? I've actually had one morning when there were none. I was so disappointed. Some weeks, generally right before Thanksgiving and Christmas, there are 5. This morning I had three... that's about average. On particularly-dull mornings, I'll go ahead and scan through the Walgreens and CVS ads, to see what oddities they're offering. Today I think I've netted enough righteous indignation from the coupons alone.

Campbell's Chunky Fully Loaded "Feed your NFL size hunger!" it says. Do you know why you have an NFL size hunger? Anyone ever question why it is that humans, able to survive and evolve for millenia on just what they could hunt and forage, are now sitting on couches all day and yet starving? MSG.

Speaking of which, y'all should probably sit down for this one... New "Great taste that's better for you" Choice Ramen. 80% fat free and 25% less sodium, in three mind-numbing flavors. The picture shows a bowl of better-for-you noodles topped with slivers of actual vegetables and what I think is sliced chicken. A leaf of parsley lets you know how healthy it is.
Ramen is not food, folks. Seriously. I don't understand the appeal, personally... I never had the typical ramen phase in college. I ate donuts instead, so I'm not trying to act superior. I know many otherwise-intelligent people who like ramen and eat it even when they could afford real food.
Tyson any'tizers... hot wings or chicken fries. In case there were any Americans left that thought there were set times of day for eating (or worse, times when one should stop eating), Tyson has thoughtfully liberated them from the constraint. Any'tizers... so you can eat trans-fatty breaded factory farm chicken whenever your MSG-induced pre-diabetic feeding frenzy tells you to. Don't forget to offset the calories with a diet soda.

Flipping through the pages of coupons I see a bombardment of products aimed at rectifying dry skin, failing eyesight, low libido, dandruff, and greasy kitchens. How folks' kitchens get greasy confounds me, since no one actually cooks anymore. If they did grease up their kitchens more often, they wouldn't need the rest of the crap. (Nor would they need the elastic-waist pants and mu-mus that fill the rest of the pages. Not sure how the Wizard of Oz figurines figure in.)

And finally, the thing that made me yell "that's retarded!"

Puffs, with the scent of Vicks.

The scent. I guess that's the official smell of sickness (beyond the sharp twang of bile, that is)... Vicks. Does a scented tissue actually help anything? Does anyone have tissues on their nose long enough to get a medical benefit from the smell? I just... don't understand.