Fat-Free Vegan?

Bonus rant! (Warning, very offensive to people who like to get offended.)

So, I was innocently surfing through my Morning Coffee tabs this morning, when one of my favored food blogs showed a link to Fat-Free Vegan, a blog. And I snapped. I didn't even click on it, but I snapped. I'm sorry... I know how much vegetarians and vegans hate it when carnivores care what they do or don't eat. Normally I don't care. Normally I just eat what I eat and everyone else can do the same and I rant in my personal space and that's it.

But... I snapped.

Fat-free vegan? WTF? What do they eat? They don't eat nuts, obviously, because those have fat. They don't eat yummy avocados, because those have fat. They must eat carrot sticks and celery and... lettuce. Bunny food. They are at the bottom of the food chain. They are negating millions of years of evolution- so much hard work by countless generations of ancestors. All for what? Some uppity feeling of purity? What did they do that was so wrong, in this life or the last, that requires such a cruel penitence? Who were they? Are today's vegans all recycled S.S. soldiers? Were they gassing Jews for Hitler and have to cleanse their souls in this life?

I just don't understand.

So, naturally, I'm making bacon right now. A great big pan full of drippy bacon, happily roasting away in my fat-spattered oven, juices popping, formerly-alive cells bursting and caramelizing with tantalizing animal flavor.

Take that and stick it in your carrot-hole.

Anyway, back to evolutionary freakatude. (OMG, did you know freakatude is actually a word? I didn't.) 4 million years ago great-great-Grandpa Ape dropped down from his tree and wandered around a bit, looking for something to eat. He found the ocean. He caught a fish. He ate it, the delicious, healthy, nourishing fats went straight to his brain and it instantly got half a size bigger. He got a great idea to make a net and catch more fish. His family gorged themselves on delicious ocean animals and got so smart they became the kings and queens of apes. The cranky vegan apes climbed back up and lived in sterile little religious nut colonies, not having any babies, and soon died out.

How is it they've come back?

Fat-free vegan. What in the name of all that is yummy would provoke a person to do that to themselves? Do they think it will keep them healthy and strong? Because it won't. It will not. Unless they have some sort of freakish metabolic disorder whereby they cannot process fats... but even then, the body REQUIRES fat. It is not optional. The body will start stripping itself down for scrap, if it has to. That poor freak's brain will likely be the first to go- which is ok, since they aren't using it.

I just flipped my bacon. It's coming along quite nicely. Mmmmm... bacon...

I just really don't understand fat-phobe people. Seriously. They seem to all have a connection with religious-based self-mortification. The idea that we are inherently sinful and disgusting, and must be saved from ourselves. This seems to lead people to believe that any and all natural impulses can't be trusted. Humans LOVE fat. We crave creamy, buttery, juicy foods. So, these people rationalize those foods must be bad. Unhealthy. Sinful. And since when did unhealthy = sinful, anyway? So many people feel actual sin-type remorse if they eat the "wrong" thing or don't exercise that day. I just don't understand. Guilt serves no purpose.

God made bacon. How can people reject the gift?

Fat-free vegan. Not low-fat vegan... no, that's sooooo yesterday. Every self-loathing, unhappy emo kid does that. Fat-free. That's just... impossible. Even vegetables have waxy coatings to their cells. Every freaking living thing on the planet has some sort of fat in it. There's a reason for that. It's necessary for life. Especially in humans.

BTW... I can explain those feelings of self-loathing and depression... they stem from a lack of fat. Seriously. I became clinically depressed for several months following a bout of giardiasis (food poisoning, basically) that left me unable to digest much fat. It took me a year to recover. That's how important fat is.

I'm going to go eat my bacon now.