Coupon Rant 2.0.1

How do Cheerios make you feel? General Mills wants to know. Their ad, beside their coupon in this Sunday's paper, is the word "Smile" with the "i" dotted with a Cheerio. How cute. Then they ask you to "share what Cheerios means to you" on Facebook.

Yes, really.

Do you need to grab a tissue while you recount the many happy childhood moments you spent with an O-shaped cereal? Perhaps you spent some cute minutes with a toddler who was happily gumming them, while learning to get the contents of his fists to his mouth. Maybe you shared a bowl with a child before they went to school. Maybe it was what you poured yourself every Saturday morning before you sat down to watch cartoons, letting your parents sleep in. But I can assure you that the contents of the bowl were not the source of the warm fuzzies.

If you've read my blog before, you might recall that I think food and feelings ought to be separate. Don't get me wrong, I love food. I love tastes, textures, combinations, and trying new things. But I know that food does not equal love. It is not a refuge, a security blanket, a big bowlful of happiness, a ray of sunshine on a cloudy day... and it's very important that it stay that way. We, as a nation, are getting fatter every year BECAUSE food = love for so many of us.

So, f*ck you, General Mills. Do you want to know what Cheerios mean to me? Nothing. A box full of extruded, damaged, phytate-laden, allergenic, inflammation with sprayed-on artificial vitamins and minerals. It is less nutritious than the box it comes in. There are no feelings in a box of Cheerios. There is no meaning beyond the implication that whoever eats the product cares more for convenience than they do for their health.

Then I flipped the page and saw an ad for a new Ensure product. Proudly proclaiming it's greatness due to the fact that it has:
zero fat.
3 times more protein than juice (er... that's not a feat, really, since juice generally has NO protein.)
21 vitamins and minerals.
That your body will completely ignore.
Because not only are they artificial, but that zero fat content makes them even more rejected by your body.
Gah.

Also in this batch of coupons was a high-powered cleaner bragging about it's ability to remove grease. Because we all have that problem, don't we? Grease spatters on our stovetops (or walls and floors, if you're really having fun in the kitchen.) The stuff dries into gluey, sticky, hard-as-resin spots. I've been there. I've scrubbed with a wire brush after soaking in hot soapy water, to no avail. And then I learned something very, very important. To quote John Edwards, it doesn't have to be that way. Do you know WHY something that was once slippery and fluid transforms into super glue? Because it's damaged. Vegetable oils are not heat stable. And yet we cook with them. Cooking = heat, right? We are cooking with, and then ingesting, damaged, chemically-altered, rancid oil-turned-glue. That's not good, folks.
I've noticed an amazing thing, since switching to saturated, healthy fats (coconut oil, lard, butter, tallow)... everything is really easy to clean. I don't need nonstick cookware. I don't need wire brushes or bottles full of grease-eating chemicals. My fat spatters don't transform into glue. It's just that easy.

And finally, today's WTF Award goes to a product in the ad for our local grocery store. The focus of the ad this week was "back to college," just like it always is this time of year. All the "essential" items for young adults, off on their own for the first time. Apparently our young adults are in no way ready to be off on their own, if the ad is any example. Right there on page two, at the top of page two was an egg scrambler. Next to a happy little display plate, to show us the sort of incredible feats of kitchen magic that we could produce if only we had our very own egg scrambler- a plate with eggs and bacon and some other goodness. Ta-da! Problem solved! Have you ever woken up hungry, but didn't want to drive to McKing for breakfast? What a conundrum! How will you eat? You have eggs... you have a pan to cook them in (or, probably, know how to nuke them)... but how to get the eggs... scrambled?  It's like some sort of Julia Child witchcraft. Damn you, Rachel Ray, for not having a show on this topic!!! But wait, here we have our very own egg scrambler. It looks like a mini chopper, of the kind that survive about 4 onions or 3 ice cubes. Eggs, being so much softer, will probably extend it's lifespan. Thank the gods. We can now launch our young people into the world, knowing they are fully prepared to feed themselves at least once a day.

Or else they could stir the eggs with a fucking fork.


This rant's for you, Chris. Cheers and happy birthday!

I see stupid people.

I hope to blog more in 2011. I'll begin with a rant. (Please don't hurt yourselves as you climb back into your chairs after falling over in shock. You can't sue me for any damages caused by spitting coffee on your laptop, either.)

I hate ads.

Y'all might have noticed this.

Well, I don't hate all ads. I just... hate being manipulated. I hate being told what to feel and when to feel it. I hate the entire sheeple/herd mentality thang. Each month of the year seems to have it's own official, Buy-N-Large-sanctioned attitudes and goals. In case we don't catch on from TV ads, the coupon section of the paper lets us know what we ought to be eating, washing ourselves with, and longing for.

And I hate that. I'm a rebel at heart. I live with my low-level irritation toward advertising, only occasionally bursting forth with growls and epithets when I'm unable to ignore a TV commercial or coupon ad. The Sunday paper coupons are an especially-rich fodder for my rants. So, here goes....

See what's new from Kibbles 'n Bits. "The Bits make it better." This is just so stupid. First of all, the dog is just hungry. And possibly colorblind (I may need to check on that....) The dog would happily eat cat poop. I don't think the dog cares if his kibble has bits! I especially don't think the dog cares if his bits are colorful. And why on earth would the dog want them to be vegetable flavored?! Are we really so crazed with this our-dogs-are-our-babies psychosis that we think they need vegetables? Do wild dingoes feast on peas and carrots? I don't think so. It's just stupid.

"Catch a taste of the big game" says Cheez-It. Hmmm... assuming a game actually has a flavor, I think it would possibly be leather, dirt, grass, even blood. But not cheez. That's just stupid.

"Got a cold? Confused what to get" Robitussin actually paid people to develop a phone app to help people figure out which bottle of medicine to buy. Because, apparently, even after they paid the art department to develop helpful box graphics which clearly state in large, bright letters the symptoms treated by each particular bottle... it wasn't enough. People are slowly loosing their ability to read static print material. If it doesn't come in an app, it's too hard. And, yes, I realize the ad is telling about the app in static print. But fear not, there's a little picture widget thingy that you can take a picture of with your phone, which apparently will magically direct you to the app or website. What the hell? That's just stupid!

And finally... I've saved what I think is the most-idiotic, most-pandering, most-intelligence-insulting piece of marketing drivel for last. "His winning lineup (because it's almost the Super Bowl, so all advertising must be done in game language... how clever and original....) Strength for him, value for you."
Pardon my Valley Girl, but... gag me with a spoon.
I am insulted on so many levels. My feminist side is sputtering. My intelligent side is speechless. My hope-for-humanity side is in the corner, crying.
I took a Women's Studies class way back in college. My term paper was a comparison of the advertising in three different decades of Ladies Home Journal. I recall being jaw-droppingly aghast at the glaring "buy this so you can get married" theme behind all the stuff from the 40s. It got a little better in the 60s. Better still by the 80s. And now we seem to be headed right back in time. I *know* that the average coupon-peruser will skim right past all the sexism and stupidity in this ad line. But somewhere in their subconscious, it will lurk. And the constant barrage of similarly stupid, sexist ads really does add up. It becomes accepted. It becomes the norm. It shapes opinions, just like they want it to. They work really, really hard to direct our behavior, so I would prefer they at least be politically-correct with the brainwashing.

What's so bad about it? First of all, just the absurd notion that a man's choice in shaving razor does ANYthing beyond determining the amount of hair left on his face. Razors cut hair. That's it. They do not give you a better job. They do not give you skinny, busty women who caress your face. They certainly do NOT give you strength. That's just stupid. Secondly, I resent the assumption that only women are looking at the coupons. I hate the entire June Cleaver universe it implies. My life does not revolve around my man or his facial hair or his strength.

Ah, well. I do at least glean a little pleasure from knowing they do NOT have me pegged. That whole rebel thang. I am not skimming through the coupons, in search of value. No. I am looking for something to piss me off, so I can share it with you.

Coupon RANT!

Blshvrddtygrrrddle.

I know it's not a word, but at least it's not profanity.

I actually got goosebumps and dizziness from my outrage this morning. That's a first for me. Wish I had gotten a picture of my arms, to prove it.
Anyway, there I was, on the last page of the last coupon insert from the Sunday paper. I had slogged through, as usual, no longer expecting more than irritation from the usual crappy coupons for phood.

And there it was.


I have never been a fan of Easy Bake Ovens. I was a big ol' meany and didn't let my son have one during his excitement for all things cooking. Their mixes were crap and I didn't want him to think that adding water = cooking. But, now I see, at least it was an oven.

2010 is here, baby, and that means advancements, progress, moving forward. How shall we teach our younglings? Easy Bake Microwave & Style Kit. Because, microwaves are where it's at, and the focus really should be on the brightly-colored sugar on top, not the spongy cake-like transport.

Ugh.

Microwaves suck. They damage the proteins of food so much that the body can barely recognize them as sustenance. I don't use ours. My husband does, occasionally. Microwaves are fast, I'll grant them that, but I don't think we need to be that ADD about our food. PLAN AHEAD. Know that you will likely be hungry 5 times a day, at predictable times. Have stuff on hand. Start cooking BEFORE you're dizzy and weak.

If you want a brightly-colored pancreas-bomb, bake one. It really, swear-to-god, doesn't take that long. Especially if you make tiny ones. There are plenty of silicone bake sets for teeny little cakes. Mixing, from scratch, takes 15 minutes, tops. The oven can preheat while you're at it. Baking bite-size cakelets would take about 15-20 more minutes. Clean up the kitchen and make frosting (it's seriously just butter + sugar... it's a no-brainer.)

They won't be health food, but they will fall into the category of food with an "f." Which is a vast improvement these days. Unfortunately.

Whiskey Tango Foxtrot

That's military-speak for WTF, which I'm sure you all are familiar with.

I think it should be the new name for my "coupon rant." Because it is more inclusive. And while I'm ranting off and throwing tantrums about stupid things, I definitely want to be inclusive.

I was already in a mood this morning, for reasons I won't get into here. Add to that my favorite NFL team deciding to not attend the game today (apparently), and I was primed for my rather-late glance through the paper.

I found a couple of things to rant about in the one, lonely coupon insert, but they were fairly ho-hum. I was spared from mediocrity, however, by the TV.

Have you seen the new Hershey's commercials? Where people pop out of a glob of waxy brown goo (oh, I'm sorry, it's called chocolate) and grab each other's hands in a soul-warming round-the-choco-globe display of We Are The World-style peace and joy? Yeah. And the voiceover says idiotic things, basically claiming that eating a Hershey bar will give you friends, happiness, togetherness, and possibly world peace.

Folks, I've yelled it before and I'll yell it again... in the broadest interpretation of the word, Hershey's is food. It is not a magic life-fixing elixir. It is not a foil-wrapped solution to any of your problems. It is not a logo-imprinted bar of good emotions. It is candy. (Not even good candy, at that!) Eating a Hershey's bar will not make you happy, even if you share it with your best friend. Any emotions you experience while doing so are a result of your own good will... the act of sharing, not the magic of the thing being shared. Eating a Hershey's bar will not give you a happy family, will not fill their hearts with happy memories of time spent together, and will not bring about world peace. Especially since most mass-market chocolate relies on slavery and bloodshed.

Food is very important, and nourishing food can certainly improve your overall moods, simply because you'll feel better physically. It's really hard to be chipper and helpful when you're nauseous and exhausted... which is exactly how I'd feel if I were to eat a damn Hershey's bar. But if you turn to food for emotional/mental support for the things that are wrong in your life... you won't find happiness. Been there, done that. Discovering multiple food allergies was the best thing that ever happened to me, in that regard... because it was no longer convenient (or even possible in some cases) to use food as a balm for every wound or the center of every celebration.

The longer I spend away from much TV, the easier it is to see just how blatantly it tries to brainwash people... grrrrr....

No coupons?

I get all ready to make my bloggy comeback, and there are no coupons? What is wrong with this world? C'mon... kill ten thousand trees to print up toxicly-inked incitements that convince me I am an inferior mother because I don't gas my kids with Lysol when they come in from playing in dirt. (Dirt... ew... it's so... dirty.) Is this a Christmas reprieve for my ego? Will they recommence the assault on my sanity on the 27th? Or wait until the new year? Let us not forget that we will need to be bombarded with reminders that it's time to make our New Year's Resolutions. If we somehow weren't reminded, we might not only forget that it was a new year, but also forget that it's time for our annual self-loathing to begin and self-punishment to ensue. So, I certainly hope they don't leave us hanging for long. If the coupons don't return on the 27th, we'll be 3 whole days into the new year before we have our bright, colorful, low-fat instructions.

I do think they need to figure out just exactly what they want us to do. They seem to give mixed messages. On the one hand, we've all learned from commercials and coupons and print ads that fresh baked cookies = love. If I don't have a plateful of sugar for my children on a regular basis, they will grow up believing their mother didn't love them. They make it perfectly clear. And holidays will be remembered with tears in therapy if I don't include lots of rolls from a tubular can. But then they also want us to all lose weight. You can't have it both ways! I can either love my family or have them be thin. And I absolutely cannot love them at all unless I've been pampering myself properly. That requires layers of body products that mostly smell like all the food I'm not allowed to eat. Vanilla volumizing shampoo, chocolate mint intensive conditioner, berries-and-cream anti-wrinkle moisturizer, probably some sort of grape-extract eye-lifter or whatever other goop a dutifully-young-looking mother ought to use.

But if I did all that, there's always the risk that my poor starved children would eat me.

I'd better start baking some cookies.

Commercial Rant

It's like my good ol' Coupon Rant, but... minus the coupons. Just a different marketing angle. Let me start by pointing out the obvious... if your "food" requires marketing, it's probably not really food. If you have to be talked into eating something, because your natural instincts would not lead you to recognize it as sustenance... it's probably not real food. And if marketing gurus are buying their third Lexus from the money they earned to convince you (and thousands of others) to eat said... thing... I can guaran-damn-tee it isn't food.

Ok, so what got my knickers in a twist today? Dominos Pizza. What a shock. I hold a big grudge against pizza in general, but only because I can't have any. It is not inherently evil... but even if I made my own gluten-free crust, I'd have to sub the cheese with something, and well... after you've made so many changes to something, you can't really call it "pizza" anymore. It'd be bruschetta with sausage, perhaps, but not pizza. Anyway, the commercial I saw today, while sitting on my butt, being a proper American couch potato watching football, had my mouth literally hanging open. Once I resumed breathing, the rant began.

The commercial in question showed a busy Dominos location, phones ringing constantly, with a manager-type explaining that with the price so low for such a delicious lunch, the only bad thing they had to say was... they were imposing a limit of 256 per household per day. Then they showed the customers hauling away stacked boxes of pizza in every way imaginable, including an irate mom who had brought a semi and was mad about the daily limit.

Yeah.

And not one of them was fat.

While I hate to go along with media hype in any way... (even so much as to keep my mouth shut about my bout with H1N1 because I don't like feeding the hysteria), we are in the midst of a huge problem with our huge butts. Worst of all, our kids are getting fat. And no, I am not prejudiced against fatness. I *am* however concerned about the illnesses that go with it, or more likely cause it, and all of it stems from eating absolute CRAP like Dominos pizza. The government even recommends that we all make sure to get plenty of grains and carbohydrates every day, despite the fact that it has been PROVEN that more than 150 grams of carbs per day cause illness. And there are a lot of carbs in pizza, especially in the ridiculous quantity most people serve themselves.

Oh, I know, Dominos still needs to make their profit... I wouldn't want the poor dears to have a bad fiscal year and then fire all those poor delivery boys. We *need* people to gorge on pizza, for the sake of the economy. Or some shit like that. Just think how many jobs we can create when we get sick!! Diabetes employs so many... lab techs to take your blood, machinists in the factories that make glucometers, pharmacists, doctors, nurses, eventually surgeons... and then of course all the marketing gurus to design and sell you sugar-free, fat-free phood.

Maybe Dominos will come out with a fat-free pizza. Wonder what that would be made out of?

Speechless

Literally. How can they be serious?

Sunday Coupon Rant

First, let me apologize for the lack of recipes and actual food, recently. I have been cooking... doubt not. And I have even been taking pictures of my food. I have not been using recipes much lately, as I tend to know how things go together at this point. And I've just not been finding the time to upload the pictures. There has been a rarely-ending chorus of "You wanna play blocks with me? Let's play trains! Look, I made you a cookie, eat it! I wanna watch a movie, you wanna make popcorn? Let's play Hungry Hippos!" And, unfortunately, a common refrain of "my tummy hurts." I'm trying to figure out the cause of that last one.

My rants are, oddly, few this week. Despite already being cranky while looking through the coupons, due to drinking "herbal coffee," I didn't see much fresh material. And I hate to simply repeat myself. However, a couple of things did get my hackles up.

Bob Evans homestyle side dish thingies. "The perfect dinner companions. Everyone could use a little homestyle." Featured in the ad are mashed potatoes, green bean casserole, and macaroni and cheese. Available in your grocer's refrigerated section. Because microwaved mac&cheese singles are too hard? If you're going to eat crap food, where's the line between tacky/premade and yummy/homestyle? The green bean casserole I can understand. Making that from "scratch" is dangerously close to actual cooking. It involves opening at least three cans... can't recall exactly, since I never made it. Mashed potatoes... already prepared from flakes for your convenience. Mmmm... wonder if they use "real" margarine? (Yes, I know that's an oxymoron.) But the macaroni is what made me yell out "that's retarded!" so it wins the place of (dis)honor here. How lazy have people become that they can't even bother to boil water? A true "homestyle" macaroni and cheese is a wonderful thing... the pasta has a bit of bite to it still, resisting the teeth just a touch in true "al dente" style, the cheese sauce is a blend of cheeses with sharp Cheddar as well as softer cheeses, to add creaminess. There are buttery, crunchy crumbs on top, to delight the senses with a variation of textures- chewy, creamy, crunchy. Real macaroni and cheese is a work of art. (And let me just say that I hate all of you who can still eat it.) But this Bob Evans product... this "homestyle" macaroni and cheese... there are no crumbs. The "cheese" probably ends in a "z." And I venture to guess the pasta has no texture whatsover. Don't stir it overmuch, our you'll simply have orange goo.

Second place this week goes to Tyson. I generally leave Tyson alone. Sure they raise franken-chickens in horrendous factory conditions and have forever changed the perception of what chicken tastes like by making it bland and fluid-injected. However, they often have gluten-free options that others don't. So I kinda don't hate them as much as I should. Today I take exception to the big, bold headline on their add for chicken nuggets. (The one disgusting junk food my children don't like!) "Clean plates start here."

WTF?!?!

Last I heard, and I hear it a LOT from every form of news media, American children are fatter than ever. They are developing Type II diabetes in record numbers. They are sicker and more unhappy than ever. It has been accepted theory for years now that "cleaning your plate" has disastrous effects on attitude toward food. It completely numbs the senses toward being able to tell when you're full.
From the rest of the ad, it's clear that they are talking about picky eaters... and believe me, I sympathize with that cause. My children are very selective about what they'll eat. But I decided a long time ago not to make it a battleground. They are in control of their bodies, not me. I also know from experience that food allergies can make people dislike the foods that make them ill. (Ironically, allergies can also cause cravings for the damaging foods, but that's another topic.)

The goal with eating should be nourishment. Hopefully, there is good conversation and a feeling of well-being around the table while eating as well. But the goal is most-definitely NOT a clean plate. That's the dishwasher's job, not the child's.

And finally, as a bonus... I just really had a laugh about this one. The Jerry Springer crowd will be relieved to know that they can now bop over to their neighborhood drugstore for a "Fast. Accurate. Confidential." test to discover just who is the Baby Daddy. Identigene now markets an over-the-counter mail-in test, with results in just 3-5 days.
It gets even better... on the box it says in large letters "DNA Paternity Test." Below that, in itty bitty print: "For Alleged Father, Mother, and Child."
"Alleged"
I love it!!!

Watch out, though... just buying it from the Walgreens, for whatever the shelf price is, isn't enough. Microscopic mouse print lets you know "Additional $119.00 Laboratory Fee Required." Better go donate some plasma to cover that.

Hard times, drastic measures?

I realize there's an economic-hard-times going on (it's not a depression yet, but what IS it?), and this week's coupons clearly show a concerted effort from the Phood Makers to try to save us all money. Try to convince us we don't have to give up our packaged, pre-made, convenient phoods- here's a handy coupon to make it magically affordable. A real focus on savings and cheapness.

And I can appreciate the idea behind it. People need to eat.

What I don't appreciate is slick advertising that borders on the verge of lying.

Campbells had their very own coupon insert... several pages extolling the virtues of soup. So economical, so "healthy." Canned soup seems closer to real food, sometimes. A choice you can be proud of. One page in the packet simply said "The Original Dollar Menu" in large letters. Underneath, a spread of soup cans bordered by bona fide real vegetables. And in front of it, a bowl of soup. It goes on to explain that "at less than $1 per serving... you are looking for ways to save money; but saving does not mean skimping." Wow, a dollar for a bowl of soup... "farm-grown vegetables" (is there another way? I'm sure Monsanto is working on one.)
A chart of sorts to the side once again reminds us, less than $1.00, 4 minutes to prepare, and the kicker... 100 calories or less.

100 calories.

That's not much lunch. That's not even much of a contribution toward lunch. That means you're probably getting about 1/2 ounce of "tender meats", so you're going to need more protein. You got twice as much refined salt as anyone needs, and those veggies have less life left in them than the paper wrapper around the can.

100 calories. Just off the top of my head, I can think of a way to spend $1 for 100 calories and actually get some nutrients. How about a baby spinach salad with a homemade oil-and-vinegar dressing, with a chopped hard-boiled egg? I won't bother saying someone could make their own soup, because that requires cooking.

The next thing that caught my eye was the hotpink spread for Bake for the Cure... cuz it's all about breast cancer this month. (I won't go there. I won't. I know I have unconventional views, and this is a FOOD blog, not a cancer blog... ) So, the hotpink spread... buy these products, save women's lives, that's the idea, right? Ok... what've we got? Yeast packets, corn starch, and corn syrup.

Wait a minute...

Sugar? No, not even sugar, that would be a slightly better choice. Corn syrup! It hurts the liver! Cancer in general and breast cancer specifically are generally due to liver problems! At least it can be said that the liver being HEALTHY can be a good part of the fight against cancer. And cancer loooooooves sugar. It loves starchy carby crap, too. So "bake for the cure" Cherry Almond Roll and Triple Berry Crisp and Chocolate Caramel Bars are all featured. It's all cancer-food. AAAACCCCKKK!!!

Oh, but don't worry. The ad apparently isn't aimed at women who HAVE cancer. It's for all the non-cancer-havers that want to help the poor, unfortunate, not-mes who do have cancer. It doesn't apply to Nancy Soccermom. She can eat all the sugar she wants. It doesn't apply to all the young girls who gobble up the gooey Chocolate Caramel Bars from the bake sale. Oh, maybe that one girl who's aunt had breast cancer... oh, but she's so young. Give her a second helping. By the time she gets cancer, there'll be a cure. Let's bake, bake, bake!

Grrrrrrr... naturally our health has nothing to do with what we eat....

And now, to lighten the mood, I present my first ever anti-rant. I'm actually going to say something nice about something I saw in the coupon ads.

(Everyone recovered now?)

Arm & Hammer Essentials, some sort of multi-surface cleaner, offers a reusable spray bottle. But that's not all. You can buy refills of the cleaning product, which are little bitty, as they figure you're capable of adding water. It's... kinda cool. Kinda eco-friendly. No idea what chemicals are involved, or whether the little refill bottles are recyclable. And maybe there's some other issue I'm missing here entirely. But... on the surface (har har, sort of a pun, sorry), it seems good. Let's bask in that.

I'll end with a WTF? There's a noise and a tilting of the head that goes with this, that I'm not sure how to describe. But, I'm a bit puzzled. I wish you could all see this ad.

Amish Naturals. Is it sausage? Bread? Yummy cinnamon rolls with 3 times too much icing? No. Nor is it butter or homemade cornbread.

Pasta. Yeah. Um... from Ohio, no less. With "twice filtered well water." WTF? I'm just so confused.

Monday rant

I'm a day late, I know. I was out of town and have been catching up on housework. Part of that included seeing if there were any relevant coupons in yesterday's paper (there usually aren't, but since we get the paper, I always check.)

Those who have read my previous rants will likely recall that I hate it when food manufacturers can't do math. Or else when they assume I can't do math. Maybe it has nothing to do with math and they conclude business meetings by rolling dice to randomly assign value to their upcoming coupons. Because... someone somewhere is actually getting paid to think this stuff up. ("stuff" was not my original choice of words, but I am trying to behave myself.)

Let us begin with Ragu. Ah, Ragu, it's in there. Wait, that's someone else's ad. Sorry. Anyhow, they're offering a $1 off. That generally catches my attention. 15 cents isn't worth my time. $1... well... that's almost real money. What do I have to buy to save a buck? 2 pasta sauces and 1 dry pasta.
I'll repeat. 2 sauces, 1 pasta.

I'll admit that in my attempts at lowering my carbs, I've put pasta sauce on things other than pasta. But... most folks aren't that creative. The folks that buy jarred pasta sauce because they have no idea that a little onion and garlic cooked until soft and a can of diced tomatoes makes something that tastes even better. So... the people they are marketing to are really going to need more pasta. Why have the pasta even involved? Ragu doesn't, to my knowledge, make pasta.

Along the lines of Things People Ought To Make For Themselves... pancakes. There's a Bisquick ad for pancakes. I happen to know of a full-grown adult who had no idea it was possible to make pancakes without a mix. Well, fine readers, I can assure you that pancakes are beginner-easy. It's not rocket science. Flour (doesn't even have to be wheat! *gasp*), baking powder, liquid, eggs, maybe some fruit... it's just really hard to mess up pancakes. If they're too thick, add liquid. Too thin? Call 'em crepes.
"Bisquick, let's make pancakes!" it says at the bottom of the ad. On top is "Magical Pancake Mornings." Ugh. Look, Mikey, Mommy cooked! Sort of. Mommy added water to powder and got it hot.

I seem to be on a roll here for Stuff That's Way Easier Than People Think, so I'll continue with popcorn. I've got an ad here for Orville Redenbacher's, "Enjoy the Gourmet Flavors of Natural Popcorn!" What gourmet flavors are they featuring? Buttery Salt & Cracked Pepper, Buttery Garlic, Simply Salted, and Butter.

I need a stare-y face right here. One that looks like it's saying "Really? That's what you've got? Wow. That's stupid."

Would you like to enjoy some natural popcorn? I know you know what's coming... but I don't mind being predictable. Get a pan. Preferrably a metal one with no weird coatings, but enameled cast iron would be fine, enamel doesn't count as weird. I use a stainless steel saucepan-type thing. Make sure yours has a lid.
Cover the bottom with oil. Vegetable oil sucks really, as it's generally soy oil these days. I use a mix of coconut and palm oils. I know most folks don't have those on hand, so... use what you've got. I'll never know if you're desecrating your body temple with soy. (I can tell you that both butter and bacon grease burn like crazy when making popcorn, so don't use those.) Now, add a layer of popcorn kernels, so the bottom of the pan is covered. No measuring needed.
Put the lid on, turn the heat to medium, and shake it around, just to coat the kernels with oil a bit.
Now leave it alone. You don't have to babysit it. You don't have to shake it constantly. It'll take 5-10 minutes, probably, depending on how fast your stove heats up. When you hear the first pop, go back to the stove and start half-heartedly jiggling. It isn't really necessary at all, as the popped corn goes up and the kernels stay down, so shaking it really just keeps you entertained. You do want to take it off the burner as soon as it stops popping, though. Burned popcorn sucks.
Now, put your popcorn in a big bowl. Let the pan cool a bit (stove should be OFF), and then plop in a bunch of butter. Room temp butter burns less than cold butter. When the butter is melted, pour it over the popcorn, add salt, and shake it around.

There you go. Sure, it dirtied a pan and took longer than a bag in the microwave, but everyone agrees it tastes better. And there's no risk of lung cancer from artificial butter flavoring. If you want to get gourmet with it, add pepper. Or garlic powder. Or cinnamon-sugar. Or nutritional yeast (I'm told it tastes like Parmesan.) Chocolate syrup or maple syrup or melted nut butter-and-honey... I'm sure you can get way more creative with it than Mr. Redenbacher.

I ended up giving you a recipe, of sorts. In return I'd like to know if anyone knows why the gal in the Benefiber ad looks like she's wearing half a Cookie Monster costume. And why she has no arms. What do hairy blue-green blobs have to do with constipation?

Sunday coupon rant is BACK!

Oh. My. God.

What is the world coming to? Just how ridiculous are we going to get? Where is the bottom of the rabbit hole?

Here I was, innocently flipping through the ads in the Sunday paper... not even looking for rant-fodder, when I came across the Petco ad. Normally I would have tossed it directly on the recycle pile, unseen. But, I wondered where a Petco might be 'round here, so it caught my eye.

The next thing that caught my eye was the special announcement in the upper right corner... "Introducing The Dog Whisperer Pet Products." I kid you not. But before I could even summon a half-hearted "OMG, like the dogs tell him what stuff they want?!?" I saw one of the new products.

My jaw dropped. My rant spewed forth.

Fortified bottled water for dogs.

Allow me to repeat myself in case you don't like going back to re-read... it's specially-made bottled water, fortified (with what?) for dogs. Dogs. You know... the same slobbery, fuzzy, butt-sniffing creatures that drink out of toilets. That's some fortified water, if you forgot to flush or haven't cleaned recently.
The same halfwits that joyfully dig for buried snackies in the litterbox.

Fortified bottled water... for dogs. "Specially developed with Cesar Milan and veterinarians to give essential hydration a healthful boost."

Is your doggie lacking in trace minerals? Needs more amino acids? Perhaps he's not getting enough Omega-3s? Fear not, the Dog Whisperer is eager to take your money.

Bottled water. For dogs. Unbelievable.

Bonus Rant

Microwave-ready steamable rice? Really? Seriously? Did I just see this in my grocery store ad?

AAAAAAACCKK!!!

Was Uncle Ben's Minute Rice kicking people's asses? Was boiling a pot of water too much like "actual cooking?" Did it take too long? Dirty too many actual dishes? Was it not disposable enough? Was it not something the kids could do for themselves while rocking out on iPods and texting their friends?

W. T. F.

Microwavable steam-packs of white rice.

I admit to loving my rice cooker... it simplifies the task for me, but actually takes a lot longer to cook it. I don't care. I plan ahead. If I didn't have a rice cooker I'd probably just not eat rice as often. If I was really in a pinch, I'd use minute rice. It's fast. Not really healthy, but... it comes in a biodegradable cardboard box and is really easy to make.

But that wasn't good enough for all the lazy-ass "I don't cook", call-for-pizza Americans out there, was it? Nooo....

And then, the clincher... my store (and yes, there's only one where we live, because our city hosts the company headquarters and no other chain can even get a toe in) has these "meal deals" every week. Buy one or two things, get certain other things free. This week you can "save more than $6.88" if you buy Oscar Mayer lunchmeat and Velveeta singles. (Mmm, yummy, plastic!) What wonderful things do you get for free? Crystal Light On the Go (brain tumors never tasted so good), Kraft Easy Mac Cups (I JUST CAN'T even start that rant, OMG), Jell-O Singles Instant Pudding Mix, and Miracle Whip.
Yeah.

Save $7, lose 7 years of your life.

I think I'll pass.

Delayed coupon rant

Last week there were no coupons in the Sunday paper.

Somehow, the world spun on. Not sure how.

This week there were coupons, but we went to the zoo and it took me a while to recover from that enough to care about the paper. I never know how many things in the coupon section will piss me off, so I have to be well-rested and calm in case it's an epic week. Don't want to die from a ranty coronary.

This week's rant has little to do with food. It has to do with cleaning up after making food. Something that I guess gets a bit drudgerous. Drudgersome? Hmmm... I guess neither of those is a real word. Moving on...
Cooking real food can make a real mess. But, generally nothing permanent. Nothing in need of "microbeads" that magically target "stuck-on food." What the hell is up with that? Are these more of the amazing nanites at work? I don't think so. But Palmolive claims it's new Scrub Buster with MicroBeads will do just that. That horrible, terrible stuck-on food will be a thing of the past.

Why was it even a problem? All it takes to "bust thru stuck-on food" is patience. Fill the pan with soapy water and wait.

Really.

That's all it takes. If you start off with really hot water, and wait until it's cool enough to touch, a mild effort with a sponge will get your dish clean.

If you have a rare case of truly stuck-on burnt greasy stuff, dust it with baking soda, add a sprinkle of water, and wait. There's that pesky patience thing again. Do it during a commercial break and by the next one you'll have a wipe-off clean pan.

It's not rocket science and it doesn't require any stupid micro beads.

Lame-ass Rant

I'm behind. I haven't been blogging. I know. Sue me.

I'm suffering from a terrible case of pity-party, with a hefty dose of "meh."

I also suffer from a decent understanding of the rules governing the English language, American flavor. And today's coupons finally broke me out of my meh-rut enough to bitch to the faceless masses about it.

Cheerios Snack Mix... "Good Source of WHOLE GRAIN."

Just one?

Are they seriously advertising the presence of ONE whole grain in the product?

Or are they simply using the newest buzzword, incorrectly?

I personally think grains are NOT an important part of anyone's diet, except as a way to avoid outright starvation. That's the role they've played in most of human history... famine foods. But then the idea caught on and here we are today, eating worse than most of our pets (meaning, not species-appropriate) and getting sicker and sicker. But if we are going to go along with the idea that whole grains are at least better than refined grains, at least use proper grammar when advertising it!!

Whole grainS. Please. Really. Unless, of course, it's true that there's just one in the box.

Speaking of getting sicker and sicker... I'd like proper grammar applied to new epidemics as well. I have seen this so many times, I can't recall where. But trusted, intelligent, college-educated sources have been guilty. Maybe I'm wrong and this is actually correct... please let me know if that's the case. But it sounds stupid, which is generally my clue that something is wrong. "Obesity and overweight among our country's youth is a growing and troubling problem." Shouldn't it be overweightness or, better yet, being overweight? It just sounds wrong. Jane doesn't suffer from asthma and overweight. Jane suffers from asthma and being overweight. Doesn't that sound better? Overweight isn't a noun.

Before I go, I have to also comment on the ad for Promised Land brand "milk." (Sorry... I can't leave off the quotes, because the reconstituted, homogenized, pasteurized pus-filled crap doesn't deserve to share a name with nourishing, life-giving real milk.) They say they have no artificial hormones, and that their products are "The Way Milk Used to Taste."
Because, um... added hormones have a flavor?
And, the ad shows that it comes in three varieties: reduced fat, strawberry, and chocolate. Oh, yeah, that's the way milk has tasted for centuries....

I wish I had an emoticon here, rolling it's little eyes.

Coupon Rant

I didn't even have to look through the coupon packets for this morning's rant. It was served up for me in a bowl with a gleaming stainless steel spoon. Aaah, the American breakfast, thanks to Kellogg's.

The educational part of my rant can all be found here. It really is worth the read. (Oh, and not to endorse it, as it's made from wheat and thereby not really good for anyone, but Grape Nuts is the one big-brand non-extruded cereal on the market.) So, if you want to know the main reason why there is no boxed (or bagged) cold cereal in my house, click the link.

I'd like to throw out a token reminder that cereal, even with protein-added (and, ewwww, where'd that come from? Spray protein! Gross!) is still a very carbohydrate-drenched way to start the day. The majority of us don't need that. Your taste buds can and will change with time... I promise!

So, all that aside, it's time to get on to my big rant. Because abusing kids will always get me ranting. I'm sure if there were a poll asking what we thought most American kids eat for breakfast, the top three responses would be: cold cereal, Pop Tarts, and freezer pancakes/waffles. Blech. And what maladies do an increasing-number of American kids suffer from? ADHD and obesity.

I see the connection, and I'll bet you do, too.

So... the ad is for Kellogg's Frosted Mini Wheats. One of my favorite cereals from childhood. My own hyperactive, impulse-driven, inattentive childhood was driven by and literally revolved around sugar fixes. Anyway, personal-experience aside, let's see what the ad says...
"keeps 'em full. keeps 'em focused." (Keeps 'em from learning proper capitalization, apparently.)
"Frosted Mini Wheats cereal for breakfast improves your child's attentiveness nearly 20%*"

Oooh, let's just jump right ahead to that asterisked small print, shall we?

It says that number is based on a study comparing kids that ate the Mini Wheats with kids that ate no breakfast at all.

I repeat... no breakfast at all.

Yeah, I'll bet a fucking candy bar would keep kids more focused than no breakfast at all! That doesn't make it health food! Kids are growing rapidly, their bodies demand nutrients, if my half-wild kids are any example (and being unscheduled, I'll bet they are grand examples of natural impulses) they need food often. Even when that food is nutrient-dense and full of healthy fats to stick to their ribs. But especially when the food is the plasti-crap microwaved at the last minute because everyone's in a fucking hurry. So, yes, breakfast is important. How many kids are really going to school hungry?!? Why?!? Excluding the ones on ADHD medication, which suppresses the appetite to the danger point, aren't the other ones hungry? And if so, why isn't anyone feeding them? I'm not sure what I'd pick, if my choices were hunger or Mini Wheats, but most people don't know better... so bring on the Mini Wheats.

However, I do have to mention that estimates are currently at 1 out of 50 people of European descent being gluten-intolerant. Now, as mild as that sounds "intolerant", it's not just a case of a little gassiness, like lactose-intolerance. (Which can and does cause bigger damage as well.) Gluten-intolerance is serious business, and one of the many things it does is cause brain fog, inattentiveness, lethargy (or hyperactivity, strangely), impulsive behavior, schizophrenia and other mood disorders, anxiety, forgetfulness... and that's just the list of mental effects. For some it causes wracking stomach aches, migraines, bloody diarrhea, and more. Pour on a nice bit of homogenized, pasteurized factory-farm milk... and ooh, yummy, that's quite a breakfast.

So... maybe we should skip the Frosted Mini-Glutens, so we can skip the ADHD medication and have healthy kids.

What are we having for breakfast? The borracho beans that didn't cook in time for dinner, so instead slow-cooked all night. The Little Guy has had a hot dog and an apple. No idea when Fairy Child will get up. Oh, and if you are surprised that I let my kids eat "unhealthy" hot dogs... I'm not too-concerned about nitrates. You know what else is high in nitrates? Leafy greens. And everyone knows those are good for you.

Coupon Rant

"FACT: 80% of Salmonella Poisoning Happens at Home," so sayeth the Lysol ad.

Let's all be appropriately-frightened by that. I'll wait while you panic.

Ok, all done? Good. It didn't take me long to recover my senses, either. Maybe I'm getting cynical after the SARS crap and then the invisible bird flu epidemic.

What causes salmonellosis?

You can get salmonellosis by eating food contaminated with salmonella. This can happen in the following ways:

• Food may be contaminated during food processing or food handling.
• Food may become contaminated by the unwashed hands of an infected food handler. A frequent cause is a food handler who does not wash his or her hands with soap after using the bathroom.
• Salmonella may also be found in the feces of some pets, especially those with diarrhea. You can become infected if you do not wash your hands after contact with these feces.
• Reptiles, baby chicks and ducklings, and small rodents such as hamsters are particularly likely to carry salmonella. You should always wash your hands immediately after handling one of these animals, even if the animal is healthy. Adults should also be careful that children wash their hands after handling reptiles, baby chicks or ducklings, or small rodents.

Beef, poultry, milk, and eggs are most often infected with salmonella. However, vegetables may also be contaminated. Contaminated foods usually look and smell normal. (End quote)

So. Basically what that means is (considering that salmonella is incredibly rare in milk and eggs) if you'll just not spread raw meats on the counter and make a habit of washing your hands with soap... often... you'll be fine.
Oh, and don't set up your personal petting zoo in the kitchen.

Why am I ranting about this? Because Lysol thinks we are all in constant need of disinfecting. I'll push right on past the fact that a strong immune system is your best bet against any kind of invading microbe- salmonella, cold viruses, ringworm fungus, whatever. And the same SAFE, sane advice applies. Wash your hands. Don't bother with anti-bacterial soap, because it's unnecessary and the simple action of washing... and the slippery effect of soap on microbes... is what does the trick.
It works.
Really.
All the experts agree.

They also agree that all the stupid antibacterial crap and overuse of ingested antibiotics has led to an alarming crisis of resistant bacteria.

Thanks a fucking lot, Lysol.

Oh, but the fun doesn't stop there, noooo.... What IS Lysol, anyway? It's nastiness goes beyond simply killing all the weakest bacteria (they proudly proclaim that they kill 99.9% of bacteria... um... so that means the strongest .1% live on and make babies. Great. Way to think ahead on that one. Lysol is breeding the new Master Race of bacterial goodness.) Lysol is mainly comprised of cresol, a close-relative of carbolic acid, which was all the disinfecting rage at the turn of the last century. It just happened to also be pretty darn dangerous. So, it was tinkered with some more, but cresol is pretty much just as dangerous. Lovely. Let's spray that all over our kitchens. Sure, they now have that Food Surface Sanitizer variant... that no one knows the ingredients of. It's "bleach, color, and fragrance-free."

Um... does that mean regular Lysol has bleach, color, and fragrance added?

I don't even want to think of it. My head is spinning. We have all this evidence, all these studies that show that many modern ills, like allergies and lethal bacteria, are the results of not being dirty enough. That's right. We never play in th dirt, peel all our fruits and veggies, cook our meats to cardboard consistency, and disinfect our entire houses daily. That's what our government tells us to do. That's what will make us healthy.

Except it doesn't.

Maybe that's why Lysol thoughtfully includes a $5 rebate offer, so the good little mommies can take their kids to the pediatrician. Maybe that's why Lysol is the "#1 pediatrician recommended brand."

Hmmm....

Meh

I'm not feeling all that ranty this morning... hence the meh.

I don't feel up to raging against the medical-industrial complex. So, I'll just stick to pointing out stupid shit.

Tide (and not just Tide, no... 2X Ultra Tide, wowee!) now with... drumroll please, this is big news... Dawn StainScrubbers. That's right, folks, Proctor and Gamble caught on to the fact that mothers everywhere were using dish soap on stains. And decided to work that into a new product. That won't work any different than the old product.
First of all... I'd like to dispute the 2X Ultra thing. Are we actually using less now? Were were pouring in a gallon for each load back when I was a kid?? I don't remember doing that, and I did the family's laundry from the age of eight. But, laundry detergent has been getting more and more concentrated all this time... 22 years... by now we ought to be just adding a drop and watching the bubbles explode out of the machine.

But this Dawn thing... the StainScrubbers... while I believe it's possible that we've developed the nano-technology to create microbeads with a mission... I don't think we'd be able to afford it quite yet. I think we'll be focusing on more important applications for nanites for a while... medical stuff and, of course, the more-profitable war stuff. So, I don't trust the StainScrubbers to actually scrub the stains. That was the whole point behind what mamas have been doing all this time... scrubbing the stain with dish soap. Or hand soap. Or moisturizing antibacterial soap from a dispenser in the public bathroom. The point was... whatever you had on hand, even if it was iced tea or Coke... and then scrubbing. That's what helped the stain not set.

So, Proctor and Gamble... I'm not impressed. And I've got another complaint. Bring back NyQuil. The real NyQuil. I really hate the meth-heads that have messed it up for all of us... I'm guessing that's the reason the time-tested and much-loved formula was changed. The old stuff worked. It filled a niche, served a purpose, bridged a gap, whatever. Am I espousing an artificially-flavored-and-colored potentially-dangerous-and-abusable over-the-counter medication? You bet I am. Because sometimes, after the echinacea and zinc lozenges have failed, after the teas and honey and hot showers and obstinate-avoidance of harmful fever-reducers has left you Still Sick and very tired, with snot both stuck stubbornly inside all your crevices and annoyingly dripping down your throat and out your nose... you just want to fucking sleep! Sometimes sleep is the best medicine. And NyQuil provided that. It was "nighttime sniffling, sneezing, coughing, aching, stuffy-head, fever" so you can be completely comatose for eight hours medicine. It was wonderful. This new shit isn't. It doesn't work at all. I want the old stuff back. Stop trying to protect me from myself!!! If I want to boil it down and chemically-extract the ephedra (or whatever it is the meth-heads do)... that's my business. Don't punish the masses for the stupidity of the few.

And furthermore... just as a side note... stop insisting that my husband save the world based on which shaver he uses. Just because he happens to prefer the same razor that Tiger Woods advertises does not mean he has to show the world "how phenomenal he can be." Maybe he just wants an average day. And a good shave. Is that too much to ask? Or, too little, I suppose? Do we all have to be so hyped up on our energy drinks and so ambitious and wonderful all the time? Can't we just relax and spend the day playing video games?

Meh.

Coupon Rant, The Sixth

This week's rant comes through a thick fog of snotty-headedness. And crankiness about said snot. I hate being sick.

First... Pillsbury Simple Bake... for the incredibly lazy and unconcerned out there. "Pan included, ready to bake." Oh. My. Gods. How... I mean... but... really... are instant-brownies too hard?? Is measuring water, oil, and cracking an egg too much? Is that relegated to the realm of "baking" now? What's next? Someone to place the brownie in your mouth for you?? The pan is included... and then, I guess, thrown away. Because we don't generate enough trash as it is. We need to throw away a cardboard box, some plastic wrap, and then some sort of of oven-safe disposable pan?!?! Aaaaaaaaack! If you are somewhere with an oven, you likely have a sink as well. Wash a fucking dish.
Duncan Hines is doing it, too. Apparently there's a good market for it. Pillsbury has a better coupon, though. Stuff like this makes me hate my fellow humans.

And I thought January was the Official Weight Loss Month, as that's generally when every commercial and print-ad reminds us that we got fat over the holidays. But... it's February, and the ads are still all about heart health, low-fat crap, Nutri-System, and eat-more-veggies. I guess because so many of us are fat, we need more bombardment to get us to drop the pan of oven-ready brownies and grab a carrot stick. Now even Ty Pennington is in on the act. He's telling me to "Start a healthy habit today! Walk. Eat heart healthy foods. Ask your doctor if an aspirin regimen may be right for you." Bayer aspirin ad. Yeah. Good advice Ty, and you're qualified to give it because... um... let's see... ok, I give up. A few pages before the Bayer ad, I saw one for various "healthy" Campbell's products, with Toni Braxton's face plastered nearby, part of that red dress campaign... but it's actually relevant because apparently she survived heart disease. There's some sort of connection. I'm not finding any sort of connection with Ty Pennington. He had an appendectomy fairly recently, according to Wikipedia... but... um... he's not a doctor, and I doubt he ever even played one on TV. He's a carpenter, so if he wants to advertise headache medicine, or how Bayer really helps with the muscle aches after a hard day remodeling, well... that'd make sense. But since his similarities with Jesus end at the career choice, I think he should keep his medical advice to himself.

And, finally... today's WTF? Not really rant-worthy, just have to ask what they were thinking, or drinking, when they came up with the ad campaign: Irish Spring... been around forever, we all know what it is, and I guess maybe that's why they felt the need to jolt us out of our comfort zone.
"Smell like you're worth exploring."

Um...

And, what's coming out of the bottle? A rocky stream and some green hills. I think they're mixing their metaphor.

Do you use your food?

This week's Sunday Coupon Rant is brought to you by PediaSure. Peddlers of pediatric poison (oh, I'm sorry, I'll try to not be quite so inflammatory). Did you know they aren't really even a food company? They are Abbott Laboratories Inc. Yeah. Yum.

NutriPals Fruit Bars. They really should put the fruit part in quotes. I'm sure y'all have noticed by now that I have, um... well, rather strong opinions about food and nutrition. For the most part, I leave grown-ups to their own devices. If they want to shovel crap into their mouths, that's their business.
But when they want to shovel it into the mouths of children, it really pisses me off.

"1 full serving of real fruit!"

Yeah... ok... let's take a look... according to their website, which I could not copy/paste (had to type it all up by hand, but I was mad enough to do it):

Fruit paste (strawberry puree, apple juice concentrate, pear and apple puree concentrates, pear juice concentrate, sugar, glycerine, palm oil, corn syrup, rice starch, wheat fiber, malic acid, natural and artificial flavor, pectin, calcium lactate, red 40 lake, sunflower lecithin), soy protein crisps (soy protein isolate, rice flour, tapioca starch, calcium carbonate, malt extract, salt), corn syrup, dehydrated apples, polydextrose, glycerine, high oleic sunflower oil, water, milk protein isolate, fruit pieces (strawberry puree, apple puree and juice concentrates, plum puree concentrate, strawberry and blackcurrant juice concentrates, palm oil, wheat fiber, pectin, natural and artificial flavor), yogurt coating (sugar, palm kernel oil, non fat dry milk, yogurt powder [culture D whey protein concentrate, cultured skim milk, yogurt culture], soy lecithin, salt, natural flavor), less than 2% of the following: toasted oats (oats, sugar, soybean oil, honey, brown sugar molasses), corn maltodextrin, honey, cocoa butter, natural and artificial flavors, xanthan gum, soy lecithin, ... long list of artificial, added vitamins and minerals.

Mmm, red 40 lake... I remember picking that off my Grandma's tree in her backyard... it grew right next to the corn syrup. Aahhh, the memories. Oh, wait!! I see it... "fruit pieces"... there in the puzzlingly-long list...oh, no. Hmmm, pieces of fruit don't have wheat fiber or artificial flavor. As a matter of fact, if the fruit could count as "real", there shouldn't be any parentheses involved at all.

More from their website, the FAQs section:

"Can a child under 1 yr. of age use NutriPals products?"

Use? USE? Do you use your food? I... I... I can't hardly speak/type. The rant is stuck. Almost.

Where are we as humans... what has happened that we are at the point where we use our food products? Shouldn't we be eating our food?

And again... "How should NutriPals Balanced Nutrition Snacks be used?"

Used?!?

I understand why our bottles of shampoo require instructions for use. Somewhere out there, someone was raised by wolves and just-now reintegrated in society, miraculously knowing how to read, but not how to wash his hair. He needs to be told to "lather, rinse, repeat." But since when did we need instructions for our food?

Since we traded it for "food products," I guess. Check your local paper, you could get $1.50 off... hurry, this offer expires soon.

Sunday Coupon Rant

The Grill Geek always knows it's time for me to blog when he hears "That's retarded!" or something similar on a Sunday morning.
Yes, I always go straight for the ads and coupons, digging them out of the thick stack of newspaper. I sort through first... building the ranty anticipation. How many packets of coupons will I get? I've actually had one morning when there were none. I was so disappointed. Some weeks, generally right before Thanksgiving and Christmas, there are 5. This morning I had three... that's about average. On particularly-dull mornings, I'll go ahead and scan through the Walgreens and CVS ads, to see what oddities they're offering. Today I think I've netted enough righteous indignation from the coupons alone.

Campbell's Chunky Fully Loaded "Feed your NFL size hunger!" it says. Do you know why you have an NFL size hunger? Anyone ever question why it is that humans, able to survive and evolve for millenia on just what they could hunt and forage, are now sitting on couches all day and yet starving? MSG.

Speaking of which, y'all should probably sit down for this one... New "Great taste that's better for you" Choice Ramen. 80% fat free and 25% less sodium, in three mind-numbing flavors. The picture shows a bowl of better-for-you noodles topped with slivers of actual vegetables and what I think is sliced chicken. A leaf of parsley lets you know how healthy it is.
Ramen is not food, folks. Seriously. I don't understand the appeal, personally... I never had the typical ramen phase in college. I ate donuts instead, so I'm not trying to act superior. I know many otherwise-intelligent people who like ramen and eat it even when they could afford real food.
Tyson any'tizers... hot wings or chicken fries. In case there were any Americans left that thought there were set times of day for eating (or worse, times when one should stop eating), Tyson has thoughtfully liberated them from the constraint. Any'tizers... so you can eat trans-fatty breaded factory farm chicken whenever your MSG-induced pre-diabetic feeding frenzy tells you to. Don't forget to offset the calories with a diet soda.

Flipping through the pages of coupons I see a bombardment of products aimed at rectifying dry skin, failing eyesight, low libido, dandruff, and greasy kitchens. How folks' kitchens get greasy confounds me, since no one actually cooks anymore. If they did grease up their kitchens more often, they wouldn't need the rest of the crap. (Nor would they need the elastic-waist pants and mu-mus that fill the rest of the pages. Not sure how the Wizard of Oz figurines figure in.)

And finally, the thing that made me yell "that's retarded!"

Puffs, with the scent of Vicks.

The scent. I guess that's the official smell of sickness (beyond the sharp twang of bile, that is)... Vicks. Does a scented tissue actually help anything? Does anyone have tissues on their nose long enough to get a medical benefit from the smell? I just... don't understand.