Sunday Coupon Rant

The Grill Geek always knows it's time for me to blog when he hears "That's retarded!" or something similar on a Sunday morning.
Yes, I always go straight for the ads and coupons, digging them out of the thick stack of newspaper. I sort through first... building the ranty anticipation. How many packets of coupons will I get? I've actually had one morning when there were none. I was so disappointed. Some weeks, generally right before Thanksgiving and Christmas, there are 5. This morning I had three... that's about average. On particularly-dull mornings, I'll go ahead and scan through the Walgreens and CVS ads, to see what oddities they're offering. Today I think I've netted enough righteous indignation from the coupons alone.

Campbell's Chunky Fully Loaded "Feed your NFL size hunger!" it says. Do you know why you have an NFL size hunger? Anyone ever question why it is that humans, able to survive and evolve for millenia on just what they could hunt and forage, are now sitting on couches all day and yet starving? MSG.

Speaking of which, y'all should probably sit down for this one... New "Great taste that's better for you" Choice Ramen. 80% fat free and 25% less sodium, in three mind-numbing flavors. The picture shows a bowl of better-for-you noodles topped with slivers of actual vegetables and what I think is sliced chicken. A leaf of parsley lets you know how healthy it is.
Ramen is not food, folks. Seriously. I don't understand the appeal, personally... I never had the typical ramen phase in college. I ate donuts instead, so I'm not trying to act superior. I know many otherwise-intelligent people who like ramen and eat it even when they could afford real food.
Tyson any'tizers... hot wings or chicken fries. In case there were any Americans left that thought there were set times of day for eating (or worse, times when one should stop eating), Tyson has thoughtfully liberated them from the constraint. Any'tizers... so you can eat trans-fatty breaded factory farm chicken whenever your MSG-induced pre-diabetic feeding frenzy tells you to. Don't forget to offset the calories with a diet soda.

Flipping through the pages of coupons I see a bombardment of products aimed at rectifying dry skin, failing eyesight, low libido, dandruff, and greasy kitchens. How folks' kitchens get greasy confounds me, since no one actually cooks anymore. If they did grease up their kitchens more often, they wouldn't need the rest of the crap. (Nor would they need the elastic-waist pants and mu-mus that fill the rest of the pages. Not sure how the Wizard of Oz figurines figure in.)

And finally, the thing that made me yell "that's retarded!"

Puffs, with the scent of Vicks.

The scent. I guess that's the official smell of sickness (beyond the sharp twang of bile, that is)... Vicks. Does a scented tissue actually help anything? Does anyone have tissues on their nose long enough to get a medical benefit from the smell? I just... don't understand.

Coupon Rant Catch-up

Am I the only one who is already (only two weeks in) fed up with all the hype about the New Year? Are you improving yourself? Are you on a diet? You should be. We should all be eating low-fat, low-calorie, low-carb, high-fiber, high-soy, high-antioxidant diets. Because that's what we're told. Oh, and don't forget your probiotics. Eat your daily Yo-Custard and you'll be instantly thin and healthy. Don't ask any questions about what's in it, where it came from, how far it was trucked, or what will happen to the cute little individual-sized carton when you're done.

Have you noticed that Yoplait got a makeover? Yeah, now it's hip. It's not Yoplait anymore... that might have been the "yogurt" (if they want to call it that, they can, but...) that your mother ate. No, the cool kids need something better, and that means nothing more than a change in name. Now it's YO. As in "Yo, Tiffany! Have U tried this? It's got 2 B good for U." Or some shit like that. So, eat one for breakfast, on your government-sanctioned race out the door to daycare or cubicle. If you aren't in a hurry, you're helping the terrorists.

At lunchtime, make sure you've packed your Sweet Sue canned Poultry Products. "Eating well never tasted so good!" Oh, yes it did. You know what tastes better than canned factory-farm all-white-meat chicken? Almost everything. If it's really all about convenience, pop a can of wild-caught Alaskan salmon into your lunch bag instead. Ah, but... that has flavor. Icky.

Then, for dinner you can serve up some of the Tyson's Heat 'N Eat Entrees. "Delicious homemade meals with less effort." Um... excuse me... but if it comes to the house in a plastic container, already cooked, it is NOT "homemade." That's home-warmed, perhaps. Call it what it is. And, hey, it comes in new varieties. Let's run out and get some... I've got a dollar-off coupon. Do U?

In the same set of coupons are many for hair color, hair shine-enhancer, foundation, and moisturizer. At the risk of being dull, I'll briefly remind everyone that eating well makes your hair shiny, your skin glowy, and if you eat enough real fats, you don't need to slather on moisturizer. But let's forget all that and just cover up the annoying symptoms of the SAD.

Last week's coupons included one that literally had me yelling. I was almost 'vapor-locked' but managed to work past that and express myself after all.
That's it.
There it is.
The culmination of the Western Diet. The artful combination of food science and technology, conveniently-overpackaged, microwavable, and chemically-enhanced to taste great. Fill that aching emptiness in your gut and your soul with creamy, addictive goodness. Now with Real Meat! You may need to click on the picture, to enlarge it enough that you can see the Real Meat. They are sort of meat sprinkles. Mmmm... meat sprinkles...
Now available in mega packs of 4XL single-servings. How convenient. I predict that they'll add extra calcium, maybe some omega-3s, and possibly even vitamin C within the next couple of years, and then it will be a health product.

Years ago, without even realizing, I took the red pill. I questioned the crap I was being told on TV and in print, I threw out the damn food pyramid and started eating food that really was food. Just because something is edible does not make it food. I'm awake now, learning how to feel good- to really, honestly feel good.
All this crap that's being marketed as food is just so many blue pills, keeping the masses asleep. Doze on, if you wish. It's certainly easier. Enjoy your time as a human battery for the Great American Machine. And, hey, you can get meat sprinkles.

Sunday Coupon Rant, part 2

This morning's paper yielded only one batch of coupons, so there's much less to rant about. However, to ensure that my loyal readers aren't shorted, I will also include a CVS ad WTF Were They Thinking rant.

So ranty. And on only one cup of insipid coffee.

I'll start small. The coupon for Arm & Hammer liquid detergent, now "2x Concentrated." "Half the size, same number of loads," they actually include a visual aid showing the sizes, in case you don't understand. Not unusual... coupons ads are stupid. What makes it worth my rant? The actual coupon. Save $1 on 2. IF IT'S TWICE AS CONCENTRATED, WHY DO I NEED TWO?!?!?
Keep one for myself and give the other as a gift??

On to one of my favorite new stupid items... the Air Wick FreshSweep. It's a broom, same as always, but with Stick Ups inside. So when you sweep you release air freshener. So your house "smells fresh and clean." This is just so stupid. First of all, artificial fragrances just suck. Secondly, if you want your house to smell fresh and clean... clean it. How about actually making something BE what you want it to be, instead of covering up the problem? Wouldn't that be a novel concept in our society?
Grrrrrr....

And, finally (for the coupons)- they hand-fed me a rant. I just couldn't NOT rant about this. Those who know me well will understand. Beech Nut baby food... their newest gimmick is specially-labelled "Good Morning/Good Evening" jars. Because moms are, after all, too dumb to figure out how to feed their kids. But, that's the whole premise behind the blockbuster baby-feeding industry and a whole 'nother rant. And I'll admit, some moms ARE too dumb. So, anyhow... on the page they've got a section for each, and the Good Morning section says (I kid you not) "Fiber to Keep Babies Satisfied."
My jaw dropped.
Where else have we all heard about fiber? To what segment of the population is it heavily marketed? People on diets, right? Are the babies of America on a diet?! Fiber to keep them satisfied??? Well, of course we don't want the whiny brats asking for more food before lunchtime. Make 'em think they're full! Make 'em think they're getting what they need. They AREN'T, but as long as they're quiet, who cares?
Double grrrrrrr...

On to CVS-

Are these items related?: Page 4 of the ad has a grouping of ridiculous items. The Grill Master and I came to our own conclusions as to how they relate to each other. They are: gumball machine, handheld massagers, binoculars, wet/dry shaver, hot chocolate pot, and a mug warmer. Let me know how you think they go together!

I think they've finally run out of ideas: Page 9 shows a collection of bath and body products that share the same, weird scent- whipped cream on a walnut. When I told the Grill Master he had to shake his head and have me say it again. Then he had to get up and come see it for himself. We agree that they must have finally run out of weird combinations for "new" smells. Lavender-Mint, Vanilla-Rose, Cinnamon Bun are too old-school. I sometimes wonder if they have a database of smell words that they randomly combine.

These things DO go together: On page 19 there are items near each other that do, unfortunately, go together. I wish I had time to provide links, to show you why, but I need breakfast. The items are- an insulin pen, Boost (sugar-laden, dead milk-based, plastic-protein-enhanced "nutritional beverage,") and Triscuits (extruded glutenous, simple-carb "healthy" snack.)
Yes, these items are related... buy the food, get the chance to use the insulin free!